So it pains me, it literally pains me to have another month come and go without getting pregnant...and then another month...and another...and another
As I said, the worst part is just the not knowing. Will we have more or not? One more or two or more? When? This month? The next? A year from now? Years from now? Never?
I hate not knowing.
Hello, my name is Heather, and I'm a control freak.
I really am, I always have been.
Being a submissive wife takes lots of work for me, because it is such a part of my natural makeup to just take over and take charge.
But I can't make myself get pregnant. Only God can. Only God knows when and if we'll ever have any more. God knows whether it would be a boy or girl, dark hair or light, blue eyes or brown, tall or short, musical or artistic or over dramatic. God knows it all.
And I don't. And that is the hardest part for me.
One of my friends said that we learn something in these times, and that when it was all over, I would be able to look back and see what it is that God was showing me in all this.
I don't have to look back, I can already see it.
God is teaching me to give up control, to surrender something completely to Him.
He is saying, "Give it up. You have no control over this. It is not in your power. You cannot do a single thing about it. You have to trust Me completely."
Oh, I know it's true, but it's so hard!
I can feel myself moving toward the point of just breaking down. I feel it coming, I know I need it. I'm just sort of sitting back waiting for it to hit. I know that one day before long I'm just going to lose it and fall on my face and cry my eyes out and speak to God with sobs and longings that only He can understand. I feel it. I can't force it, God knows fake prayers and promises, but I feel it coming.
I think that when that day comes, when I let loose all control of my desires, all control of my planning, all control of my composure, and just come as a totally weak and dependent person before God, I think that is the day I will find the peace I am seeking.
I am reminding myself of the promises that God has made concerning His plans for our lives, for my life:
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this...
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...
~Psalm 37:4, 7
So I'm waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes not, but slowly, little by little, day by day, month by month, I'm loosening my grip on the control of my life.
Argh. It's so hard.