What I Believe About Children

I've been a mom for fifteen plus years now.  A stay at home mom for nearly eleven.  A homeschooling mom for a little over nine.  Before I came home to stay with my own children I taught other people's young children in an early childhood center.

I don't claim to know it all when it comes to kids, but there are things I know without a doubt, believe in so strongly it gives me goosebumps, and will defend until the day I die.  Here are some of those things.

I believe....

...that babies should be picked up when they cry, that Cry It Out is an abomination on the face of good parenting, that a tiny helpless little person needs more than anything to know that whenever he or she needs something -whether it be food, drink, clean diaper, warm blanket, new toy, friendly face, or warm arms to hold them - his need will be taken care of.  And yes, the desire to be held close and made to feel safe is a very real NEED.

...that babies and very young children belong at home with their mommies.  That no daycare or early childhood center in the world can possibly equal the love, attention, and teaching that can happen at home with mama.  That even being left with grandma or Aunt Sue every weekend has it's effects.  Very young children need that special bond with one primary caregiver and ideally it should be their mama.  Now...I know that we don't live in an ideal world and sometimes situations demand that children go into a daycare program.  I know it has to happen sometimes.  I know many women struggle with this, having to leave their littles and wanting nothing more than to be home with them instead of going to work.  It happens, and your child isn't doomed because of it.  It can work, but just because it "can work" doesn't mean it's best.  Best is home with mama.  I am very thankful to have been able to be home with three of my kids from birth on.  I regret the time I lost with my oldest two while I was working.  Little ones and mamas belong together.

...that young children should be given boundaries to keep them safe but otherwise allowed to roam and explore.  Let them open things, look into things, take things out and put them back in.  The world is new to them and when you tell them NO about everything you stifle their curiosity and their hunger for learning.

...that kids of all ages need to be outside as much as possible.  That fresh air and dirt are good for body, mind, and soul.  That little ones should be allowed to dig in the dirt, play in the mud, throw rocks, break sticks, splash in puddles.  Let them get good and dirty and love every minute of it.

...that children should be allowed to do real things.  Let them help with cleaning, cooking, making things, building.  Encourage their interest when they're young and watch what happens.  Just because they're small doesn't mean they aren't capable.

...that children should be brought up with traditions, meaningful and rich, family traditions, holiday traditions, special little moments that bring continuity to the long years of their lives and that root them firmly in the love of their family.  Special meals, special outings, special customs of decorating the tree or visiting the pumpkin patch or going out for ice cream on the first day of summer.

...that children should be surrounded by people who treat them kindly even when they don't act so kindly themselves.  A child acting out is generally a child with a need.  I am NOT against spanking, but it has a very narrow time and place in which it is truly the best option.  Most times there are far better ways to deal with a child's disobedience or bad attitude (and they work).

...that children deserve respect.  They deserve to be allowed to speak, to have their questions answered, their thoughts listened to, their opinions respected.  Older kids and teens deserve to have a huge part in planning things which will involve them and in having their input valued.

...that kids and teens should be allowed their emotions.  It's OK to be mad, or sad, or happy.  It's OK if you are having a down day and don't want to play and just want to be by yourself.  It's OK if something has made you angry and you have to cry to let it all out. It's OK if something that other people think is silly makes you deliriously happy.

...that children deserve an apology. Being an adult does not make you automatically right all the time.  People screw up.  Parents screw up.  Sometimes we do wrong by our children and they deserve parents who are humble enough to admit that and apologize.

...that children deserve a good education and to have a hand in that education.  Homes should be filled with great books and art supplies and good music.  Kids should have trips to museums and gardens and parks and science centers and libraries.  They should have easy access always to new knowledge, thoughts and ideas.

...that the older they get, the less they act like they need parents, which is exactly the opposite of the truth, they need us now more than ever, to help guide them as they seek out their own path in life.  Even if they are moody teenagers (although...I believe children raised in a loving and respectful home will nearly always turn out to be quite pleasant teenagers).

...that young people deserve to see a happy and healthy relationship between their parents.  Parents as a united front in raising children is the best thing that could ever happen.  Parents who support each other and love each other while loving and raising their kids show those kids how to act in their own adult lives someday.

...that every child should be allowed to get dirty, do messy projects, dream big, create, learn, love, cry, speak their mind, and feel safe in their own home and in the knowledge that their parents will always be there for them.

Am I perfect?  Do I always abide by my own beliefs?  Absolutely not.  Sometimes I mess up, in the heat of the moment on an exhausting day when my nerves are shot, yes I do.  I won't even pretend that I don't.  But then I apologize.  Or I resolve to keep on trying to be better.  To love my children with all that is in me and to make sure they know it!  Because that's what they need most.  That's what I believe about children.

18 Years is Not Enough

"He's twelve already.  I've only got, what?  Six years left?  I just keep thinking of all the things I need to teach him before he graduates."

My sister-in-law said this to me just a few days ago as we sat at her house discussing homeschooling.

It's something I've heard many times before.  So much to teach, so much to try to fit in, so many subjects, so many different branches of the subjects.  So much everything....and so little time...so few years....

It comes from the new homeschooler, starting out with a child only five or six, looking down those many long daunting years, and wondering if she'll ever be able to teach them everything they need to know. It comes from the veteran homeschooler, facing teaching a high schooler for the first time, who suddenly realizes just how little time is left and the immensity of learning still to be done.

I've had those moments myself, middle-of-the-night panics because there's so many periods of history we haven't covered yet, or that one branch of science that we just briefly touched on that they might need to know more about someday.  

So much information to cram into their brains before we turn them loose on the world....what's a homechool parent to do?

Well, I've come to a conclusion.  A rather freeing one.  You will NEVER fit it all in.  You can NOT teach your child everything there is to know.  You can NOT make sure they learn every single period of history, learn every single branch of science, master every single math skill, read every single tome of great literature.  It is NOT POSSIBLE.  Eighteen years is not enough time to do all that.  No matter how hard you may try.

And you know what?  That's OK.

Learning is a lifelong process and there is way more information and knowledge in the world than one person can ever learn.

Your child will not be ruined if they don't learn the history of the entire world or master biology, chemistry, AND physics.  Their lives will not be worthless and without meaning if they don't cover every single composer and artist in their studies.

What you can do is teach them the basics.  Make sure they can read, write, express themselves well both orally and in written word.  Make sure they have the basics of math down, enough to function in the world.  Make sure they know how to take care of their bodies and maintain a home and a car (and a relationship).  Expose them to a variety of subjects.  Let them study in depth those things that interest them most.

If it helps, make a list of all the things you think are important to learn, and then prioritize it.  Which branches of science do you think are most important?  Which ones do you think your child will be most interested in?  Give them a brief introduction to all but only study a few in depth.  The same thing with all other subjects. When it comes to history, show them lots of interesting stories and events, make sure they get a good understanding that all events fit together in one giant timeline of history, and then let them really get into the periods and places that fascinate them.  Language Arts and Literature?  Make a list of all the books you really want them to read.  Do some research, find out which books are considered the great classics and choose the ones you want them to read.  Then realize they still might not read them all.  Have YOU read all the great classics?  Probably not!  

Model for them the fact that adults are still learning, too!  Make sure they see YOU learning new things, seeking knowledge.  Encourage them in ANY knowledge pursuits they come up with on their own, even if you don't feel like it's "important", because at least they are pursuing knowledge on their own!

Teach them that learning can be fun and teach them how to learn things on their own.  You won't always be around, but just because you're not there teaching doesn't mean they'll stop learning.

Help them find the path that's right for them and go for it - and don't worry about learning every single little thing.

To inspire and encourage you, here's a few quotes.  You've likely read most of them before, but really think on them right now....

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." 

- William Butler Yeats 

 I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma.

- Eartha Kitt

Children have to be educated, but they have also to be left to educate themselves. 

- Abbé Dimnet

What we want to see is the child in pursuit of knowledge, not knowledge in pursuit of the child. 

- George Bernard Shaw 

The question is not, - how much does the youth know when he has finished his education - but how much does he care and about how many orders of things does he care? 

- Charlotte Mason 

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. 

- James Thurber 

To the Worn Out, Stressed Out, Disillusioned Homeschooler

I read four posts in the last week alone - moms struggling with homeschooling.  Feeling worn out, stressed out, disillusioned, helpless, and hopeless.

If you are one of these mothers, then this post is for you.

First of all, I want you to know that my heart aches for you and for the situation you find yourself in right now.  It aches because it remembers that pain, that desperation, that feeling of failure.  Yes, I've been where you are, thinking that maybe I'm doing my children more harm than good, questioning all my own thoughts and decisions and most of all questioning if we should be homeschooling at all!

I'll tell you a secret that shouldn't be kept secret at all: pretty much every veteran homeschooler out there has been right where you are.  The only thing that separates a successful veteran homeschooler from one who is right where you are is the fact that they hung in there and didn't give up.

So believe me when I say: if you hang in there and see things through, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day....it will get easier.  Things will run more smoothly.  The day will come when you go to bed at night happy with how the day went and wake up in the morning with a light heart, looking forward to what the day will bring.

With that said, I'd like to share with you some pieces of wisdom that I've discovered in my years of homeschooling, in hopes that they might help you in your own journey...

* Release your expectations.  Forget about what everyone else is doing, what the latest guru says is best, what your mother says about your schooling, and most importantly....that idyllic picture you have in your mind of how your perfect homeschool should be.  Days will not always be picture perfect.  Your children will not always (ever?) dance around you in joy as you study the wonders of the world together.  There will be days with struggles, interruptions, fights, tears, bad attitudes (and not always from the kids).  That's OK.  Every one of us has days like that.  What matters is how you handle those days.  And trying to force your kids and yourself to be the poster family for homeschooling doesn't do anyone any good, so let go of that picture in your mind and step into reality with all its problems and challenges.  Face them head on.

* There is no such thing as "normal," and even "average" is just a math term.  Your children are not your neighbor's children.  They're not your sister's children.  Or the children at church, or the children of some famous perfect mother.  They will not be just like any one else's children.  They won't even be just like each other!   What works for one family may not work for yours, and what works for one of your children may not work for another.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that you have to do things a certain way because it is the best way, or that your children aren't where they "should be" on the learning curve or doing what they "should be" for the grade they're in.  You know your children better than anyone else, and if you feel like you don't know your children well enough, then spend some time getting to know them.  Ask them questions about what they like to learn.  Research learning styles.  No one can give you the answer as to what will work best for each of your children.  You will have to put in the work to figure it out.  It may take awhile, and that's OK.

* Listen to your children.  Sometimes we get it in our head that because we are the parent, we must make all the decisions in our homeschooling.  Not so.  Your children can be a wealth of amazing insight into what you should study this year, how they like to study (workbooks...living books...documentaries), even what time of day is best for them to do school.  You want to teach your children that their opinions matter anyway, so start out by letting them help plan how your homeschool works.

* Rethink your job description.  It is not your goal to force information into your child no matter what, but to think, "How can I make this information both interesting and relevant to this child?"  No matter how highly acclaimed the curriculum or the method, if it isn't working, trying to force it down will never do any good.  It could be said that your entire purpose as a homeschool mom is to figure out how to make your child happy to be learning and once you do that, watch out, because they'll take off and you'll have a hard time keeping up!

* Sometimes your teaching style will clash with your child's learning style.  None of us want to hear this, because guess what...yep, more work for us.  Sometimes you will have to step outside your own comfort zone to teach your child well.  No one ever said homeschooling was easy!

* The housework really can wait  Now I don't mean you should never clean your house.  But if you're really going to do a good job at homeschooling your children, it is going to take a significant chunk out of your day, and maybe part of that chunk of time is what used to be devoted to housework.  Rethink what is really necessary in cleaning your house.  Maybe some task can be once a week instead of every day, or once a month instead of every week.  If your children are old enough, by all means get them helping out by doing chores.  My oldest daughter took over the laundry about 2 1/2 years ago and I could count on my fingers the number of times I've had to do a load myself since then - huge time saver!  Now, I know, you're agreeing but you're secretly thinking that everyone says this, but you are going to be the one really awesome mom who can do it all, homeschool and have a gorgeous sparkling clean house. Here's another secret: we all think that at one point or another.  We all think somehow we will be the one exception who will prove to the world that you can do it all perfectly.  Get over that thinking.  Get over it fast as you can, and run screaming from it.  Remember when I said release your expectations?  Your own expectations are the ones you need most to release!

* School does not have to happen during certain set hours.  You are not required to do school from 8 am to 3 pm.  First of all, most homeschoolers don't need that much time.  Second, you might work part of that time, then do other things, then work some more.  Maybe certain parts of your work with the older kids will have to wait til the littles are down for a nap.  Maybe certain parts will be easier in the evening when dad is home to help out.  Maybe none of you are morning people at all and it's best you don't even try to start til after lunch.  It doesn't matter when you "do school."  Just figure out when is the best and easiest time for your family and go with it.

* Never underestimate young children.  Here's where I offend a lot of people.  Yes, I know, let's be honest, little ones can really, really get in the way when you're trying to teach the big kids. But that's what they do.  They want in on the action.  The big kids are doing something with mom so they want to do something, too.  You can make your busy bags or busy boxes or whatever you want, but honestly, I never saw a toddler who had any trouble keeping busy.  What most parents really want is a way to keep their littles quiet and out of their hair while they try to teach.  What you will find if you just take the time to do it is that those littles have a much bigger learning capability than those big kids do, and you could be taking this time to teach them so much right now as well.  Don't just keep them busy, keep them thinking and learning right along with the big kids.  Trust me!  And....when all else fails, go outside to do schoolwork.  Most littles will want to run and play while you work with the big kids, and you'll get a little respite.

* Give yourself a break.  This advice can be taken multiple ways.  First of all, you don't have to be perfect and you don't have to do everything on the lesson plan and you don't even have to use the teacher's guide if you don't want to.  Second, if you're getting frustrated with a child or with the day in general, literally take a break.  You need one, they need one.  Listen to some music, make some cookies, sit outside, whatever.  Cool off, calm down, start over. Third, schedule in breaks to your day.  When you work, your employer has to give you a 15 minute break for every 4 hours worked.  I give us a 15 minute break every two hours (or so).  It helps everybody out when brains have a chance to rest a little between tasks.

* Take care of the basics.  OK, the brain is not exactly a muscle.  It's an organ.  But it helps to think of it as a muscle (hey, it controls all the muscles) and to think of what muscles need to be healthy.  We want healthy brains, for ourselves and our kids, right?  Well, healthy muscles need three things, and your brain needs them to function properly as well.  First, good food.  Make sure your kids eat breakfast before they start school, make sure snacks are on hand throughout the day, and do your best to make them healthy snacks.  Second, hydration.  Make sure your kids are drinking enough, especially during school hours.  Dehydration is the number one cause of headaches and mental fuzziness.  Third, oxygen.  Our muscles and organs have to pull oxygen from the air we breathe.  Guess where you can get the most oxygen rich air?  OUTSIDE!  Make sure your kids are spending time outside each day.  If possible, do a lot of your schoolwork outside in the fresh air.  Take care of those brains so they can work well!

* Lay off the electronics.  I am not one of those people who is going to tell you to throw out your TV and don't you dare let your kids touch video games.  But please, please, for the sake of all that is good, limit the time your kids spend with these things and be very much aware of what they are watching and playing.  Excessive use of electronic entertainment actually alters the way the brain works, turning into an addiction, making the brain crave fast paced information download like it gets from games especially, and that is not the way real learning takes place.  So just please puh-lease limit the time they play.  Also, studies have shown that kids who fall asleep watching TV at night don't sleep as well, and a kid who hasn't slept well is in no shape for learning

* Model a love for learning.  If the last time you learned anything new was sometime in the 90's, you have to step it up.  Children learn what they live.  If Mom and Dad are always excited to be learning something new, kids will be, too.

* Review, review, review!  Throughout your day, pause and ask questions about you've been learning.  Don't just tell them to read something and do a worksheet, really talk about things with them.  Review over and over throughout the day and week. Just two or three minutes of a review, two or three times a day, can do wonders to make newly acquired knowledge really "stick" in their minds.

* Some things must be inspired rather than taught.  What comes specifically to my mind is reading and writing.  No curriculum can make your child a good writer if they don't want to write.  No curriculum can make your child a good reader if they don't want to read.  But a child raised on good stories will want to read more good stories, and a child allowed to write what matters to them in the way they want to write it will eventually become a practiced writer.  Give them good books and good things to think on, and just watch what happens.

* Don't be afraid to change.  You bought that $600 curriculum and now they better darn well use it and like it.  Susie down the road uses this book with her kids and they're geniuses so your kids are going to use it, too.  You spent four months making these lesson plans so by golly you're going to follow them.  Hold up, wait a minute, stop right there.  It doesn't matter how much it cost, how long you spent on it, or how well it works for someone else, if it isn't working for your family, then it just isn't, and something needs to change.  Don't be afraid to change.  Don't be afraid to do something totally different from everyone else, or even from what you yourself are used to.  Life is all about change. More work for you?  Possibly   Better outcomes in the end?  Definitely.

* Learn to laugh.  That's right.  Just laugh.  Have a sense of humor.  So you tripped over your words when reading aloud, or your beautiful display you spent so much time on just fell over.  So your child misunderstood the assignment and did something totally different but still amazing.  Just laugh.  It's just you and your kids.  Let your hair down a little.  Be silly.  Have fun.  It's OK to have fun while learning.  Really!

* Share what you love, and then share the load.  At our house, I love literature.  I love old stuff like Shakespeare and Poe and anything written before the 1900s.  When we get into good literature, I am on my A game and I teach with a passion!  When we do certain kinds of science, like botany, zoology, ecology, oh, I just love it!  History of the middle ages, Renaissance, anything up through the Edwardian era, I just get so excited!  It's fun to teach what you love because your love for it easily transfers from your to your kids.  But then...oh, ugh.  Modern history?  Chemistry?  Technology?  Ick.  Give me a break.  So those subjects...they belong to my husband to teach, because he loves them.  Share the passion you have for the subjects you love, and find someone who can help out with the others.  If your husband can, great!  If not, find someone else.  They don't have to do all the teaching every day but they can share their love and passion enough with your kids that when the kids are at home with you, some of that passion will remain when they work on those subjects.

* Re-evaluate what subjects really matter.  This pertains especially to high schoolers.  What is really important to know in life?  Is what is important to you the same thing as what is important to them?  Assuming that by this point, they can read well, write well, and do basic math, everything else can be tailored to what they want to know and what they need to know to function in the life they hope to lead.  A teen who wants to be a computer programmer will have way different needs than a teen who wants to be a marine biologist who will in turn have way different needs than a teen who wants to be a makeup artist.  It's OK to vary from the norm and let them study things that will actually be relevant to them.  They don't have to learn every bit of information in the world to be an intelligent person.

* Study hard, plan hard, teach easy.  That's the one thing they don't always tell you when you start homeschooling, that the parents do far more work than the kids do.  The hours of researching and planning that goes into it.  Funny how they leave that out.  But it's true.  You will do more work now than you ever did when you were in school yourself.  And the one thing I think many parents leave out that would help them so much if they're willing to put in the work.  You have to study.  That's right.  Whatever you're about to teach your kids, you need to know it yourself.  Which is not to say you have to have already learned it when you were in school, oh, no....you can learn it NOW.   I've learned so much about Medieval history in the last 6 weeks than I ever learned in school, because that's what my kids are learning, so I try to stay a week ahead of them so I can share this history with them, rather than them just reading it and doing some work on it.  More work for you again?  Yes.  But it will make your teaching so much more effective.  So get busy studying!

* A good parent-child relationship is the most important thing.  If every day is a battle, something is wrong.  We homeschool our kids because we want what is best for them, and yet so often at the end of the day our kids are sick of us.  Not how you dreamed it would be, right?  I am here to tell you: you should be your child's best advocate.  They need to know you are on their side.  You are not some dictator who assigns punishment in the form of schoolwork and gets mad when they don't understand.  In those moments when you're ready to throttle the kids and they're in tears and you're in tears and nothing is going right, remember that getting work done is trivial compared to making sure your child knows that you love them and want to help them.  Oftentimes this is a mindset we have to work on for ourselves.  Build up the relationship.  When the relationship is solid, when they know you are going to help them figure it out, no matter what it takes, and without making them feel inadequate somehow, then you and your child can work together and accomplish anything.

The One Armed Homeschooler

Years ago when I was doing some online window shopping in the cookbook section on Amazon.com, I came across a book called The One-Armed Cook. I had to do a double take at the title, then laughed when I realized it was cookbook for moms...who all too often have a baby (or a toddler) on one hip and only one free arm to cook with.

Lately, I have felt like The One-Armed Homeschooler. Andrew is our fourth child, but he's the first one to be born into our homeschooling life. When our last baby (Jake) was born eight years ago, we were not homeschooling yet. We didn't begin homeschooling until he was about 10 months old, and then I was only homeschooling our oldest child.

Well, this year, Andrew got the honor of being born into a homeschooling family going full throttle in the midst of our homeschool year, with three different grades being taught at once. I knew this would present a few challenges...

Andrew is a morning person. As in, earlier in the morning than I like to be up. Which would be OK, except that...right around the time the other kids are up and ready to start school, he's ready to go back to sleep. And...during the day, he only stays asleep if he's being held. (He sleeps just fine in his bed at night.) So I was faced with the dilemma: get him to sleep and attempt to do school while holding him so he'll stay asleep, or put him down, which means he'll wake up, and attempt to do school with a tired fussy baby.

So far, I've opted for holding him while he sleeps. It's easy enough during the parts of school where I'm reading aloud. I do OK telling them their assignments and helping with everything but two things: doing science projects and helping Becca with her math.

Science projects often require two hands on my part. Sometimes they just have to wait until evening when Tony is home to either help the kids or hold the baby while I help. Becca's math is often the same. She struggles with math so oftentimes I find its easiest if I sit down with her and work through the problems with her, often on a separate piece of paper where I can draw fractions or graphs to help her really "see" the concept. So sometimes that gets pushed back til after dinner as well.

But that's OK. I'm not stressed by it or anything, it's just different. I think before long things will shift again...I'm going to start trying to keep Andrew awake through the morning so he'll actually nap in the afternoon (right now, he's pretty much awake from around 11 am til 8 pm with only a couple of 10 minute catnaps in between). That could make for some fussy mornings in my future, but I've been around the parenting block enough times to know that every difficult phase now makes for an easier time later. This too shall pass, and all that.

On the plus side, Becca and Jake both love to hold Andrew. Jake is a little awkward still (he's just not quite big enough to hold him comfortably...comfortably for Andrew, anyway), but Becca is wonderful. She doesn't get stressed at all if Andrew starts fussing, she loves to change his diaper and pick out his clothes in the mornings (when I let her...hey, I love to pick out clothes, too!). So sometimes she'll hold him for 15 or 20 minutes while I get some things done around the house.

Which is not to say he gets held all the time! Oh, no, when he's awake and happy he spends plenty of time laying on a blanket in the floor, or on the couch, or on the bed, or wherever I happen to be. He lays next to me on my bed while I fold laundry, or propped up on his Boppy on the kitchen table while I cook, or in the living room floor while I do whatever else I need to do!

So, for now, just call me the one-armed homeschooler. Soon enough, I know, I'll be wishing he would he content in my arms...soon enough, he'll be...crawling! Eeek! Time to baby proof the house! :)

We Call This

Homeschooling homes and families are different from the norm, for example:

At any given time, you may find: grapes on a tray on the living room windowsill, drying into raisins in the sunlight; something resembling an orange, covered in fuzzy growth, trapped in a clear Tupperware bowl under the cabinet; baskets full of leaves, dried flowers, acorns, chestnuts, seeds and grass, set on the table; a sweet potato suspended in an old mayonnaise jar, sprouting roots and vines all the way down to the dining room floor; various insects in mesh-enclosed boxes, provided with dirt, leaves, and grass, on shelves in children's bedrooms; plug trays filled with soil, tiny seeds nestled in their moist earth, checked daily for green sprouts:

We call this SCIENCE

At any given time you may find: chalk drawings that cover the sidewalk AND the driveway in one giant picture of an ocean, a city, or a forest; papers woven together to make baskets; huge sheets of bulletin paper taped over the dining room table, covered in great masterpieces of fingerpaints done by small hands; plain wooden cars and trucks made brighter by a 4 year old with a box of markers; an empty appliance box turned into a beautiful full-color castle by patient children who took 3 months to finish it; a box of nature sketches: flowers, insects, clouds, drawn by a young girl who doesn't say much:

We call this ART

At any given moment you may find: more children's CDs than adults', tucked into the glove box of a car; a closet shelf with multi-colored recorders, a tambourine, and a xylophone; an old piano (from when Mama was little!) on which throughout the day can be heard a 4 year old experimenting with "low" and "high", a 6 year old making up her own music and lyrics, or a 9 year old faithfully practicing songs until she memorizes them; 2 guitars and 1 violin tucked safely under beds (where they won't get stepped on!) until they're pulled out and played; a little boy who sings and dances to Spongebob music, a little girl who walks around with the ipod, belting out tunes, and a pre-teen who's learning Celtic music so she can sing along at the next Renaissance Faire; a creaky rocking chair where even "big kids" still like to be held and hear the lullabies from days gone by; a huge library of songs including classical, rock, Christian, country, Celtic, Native American, Spanish, and old cowboy songs:

We call this MUSIC

At any moment you may find: old bonnets, aprons, and coonskin hats gathered in a box; picture albums that go back 6 generations; a real-life fossil found at the lake; books of pioneer crafts and Native American cooking; 14 movies about the Revolutionary, Civil, and 20th Century wars; cookbooks and quilts handed down and preserved through 75 years of family; tiny clay models of Pilgrim forts and construction paper teepees; maps, both current and outdated; biographies of famous men and women; a Bible and children's Bible stories; pictures from a trip to the museum or re-enactment:

We call this HISTORY

At any moment you may find: works of Shakespeare, Dickens, Poe, and Robert Frost mixed with books about Spongebob, Disney princesses, and horses; books made over the years by children, kept safe and sound, cherished and loved, misspelled words and all; DVDs of famous plays; CDs of poetry readings; dry-erase boards displaying diagrammed sentences; letters from people half-way across the country and emails to Daddy at work:

We call this LANGUAGE ARTS

At any moment you may find: a gallon of milk, a quart of juice, a pint of cream, and a cup of water set out for comparison; Teddy Grahams lined up in rows of 5 or 10; quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies carefully sorted and counted; catalogs with toys circled and crossed out, and a notebook page stuck inside totalling up just how much you can buy with $50.00 of birthday money; kids figuring out what you get when you double 2/3 a cup of sugar so we can make enough cookies for the party:

We call this MATH

At any moment you may find: big sisters making mac-and-cheese; little sisters folding towels; little brothers making toast; kids helping parents wash dishes; Dad in the kitchen making pancakes while a little boy looks on; Mom making quilts before enthralled little eyes; kids sweeping, mopping, and mixing cake batter; 6 year olds helping 4 year olds make their beds and 9 year olds helping 6 year olds hang up their clothes:

We call this HOME EC or LIFE SKILLS

At any moment you may find: kids playing outside, making up games with sticks, rocks, and the tree at the end of the driveway; sisters who can quote whole movies, line for line; a little boy who has to stop on every page of his books to copy the faces the characters are making; mermaid, princess, witch, pirate, and dinosaur costumes in the closet with the "regular" clothes; sprawling playsets of homes, farms, city roads, and pet shops; cries of "take my picture!" or "record me now, Daddy!"; big kids reading scary stories to their little siblings by candelight the night before Halloween, wearing a witch's hat and mustering up the best scary voice they can:

We call this DRAMA

At any moment you may find: bicycles being raced around the cul-de-sac; Dad teaching the kids how to swing a bat or a golf club; games of tag in the front yard; Mom's yoga poses being watched and copied with hysterical giggles from behind the couch; contests to see who can kick the ball the farthest, throw it the highest, stand on one leg the longest, or lift the heaviest things: walks being taken (4 blocks to the park!) and playground equipment being climbed up and conquered:

We call this P.E.

At any moment you may find: Mom and dad stealing a moment to kiss or hug: family dinners at the table most every night: bedtime stories and kisses good-night; boo-boos kissed, cleaned, and bandaged; screaming, fights, tears, and apologies; games being played...whether its Sorry!, Clue, Mario Party, or Slapjack; children sharing, creating, thinking, playing, or reading; parents who love each other AND their kids; camping out in "TV Woods" or the backyard; cleaning the house, the car, and the kids!

We call this FAMILY

©Heather Dawn Miller

Great Expectations

I have some issues with public schools. That's no surprise.

What kind of expectations do the public schools have for our children?

Certainly not the same kind of expectations I have for my children. I can't imagine having a 1st grader who, halfway through the school year, can barely read. I can't imagine having a second grader who can't add 3 + 1.

Why are these kids this way? Is it because they're stupid? NO. Is it because of anything they can control themselves? NO. Its because the public schools are failing them, even this early on. And the public schools don't seem to care a whole lot about it.

Now, I know, one teacher in a class with 25 kids doesn't have the time in the day to do individualized lessons for each child. I realize that, and I pity the plight of the poor teachers who are working their tails off trying to do the best they can. But let's be honest, those teachers are few and far between. And the rest are...well, they're the ones who give kids the answers instead of teaching them how to solve the problems. They're the ones that pass kids when they know that child doesn't have the solid foundations needed to progress to the next grade.

Are parents to blame in all this? Partly. Just like you can't blame McDonald's for making your kids fat when its your choice to go there every day for dinner, you can't put all the blame on the school system, either. (Oh, wow, did I just say that?).

I know a certain little boy. He's halfway through second grade and people are just now noticing that he can't add single digits together.

Hmmm...if any of my kids made it to the end of Kindergarten without being able to do that, I'd be concerned.

If any of them made it halfway through FIRST grade without being able to, I'd be worried.

If any of them made it all the way through first grade and still couldn't do it, I'd be taking some major action.

But no one seems to have noticed for this poor kid til now. Til he's a year and a half behind his classmates (and we all know how that one-size-fits-all, compulsory age-segregated curriculum goes, don't dare get behind the norm!). Pretty soon they'll all start doing multiplication and he's going to be seriously up a creek then.

Why haven't his parents noticed this until now?

And why hasn't the school? Why hasn't a teacher (aren't they the "professionals", after all?) noticed this and done something about it?

Why do people not pay attention? Why do they let their kids (or their students) slide by without taking the time to truly teach them, make sure they understand and grasp the very basest of concepts?

Why are the expectations so low? I said that to my mom. To be behind in school is bad enough. To be behind in a school where second graders are still even doing single digit addition is really scary. If I picked up a second grade math book and looked through it and saw that half way through was still single digit addition, I'd put that book right back down. It's too easy! But this is apparently what the public schools expect of our kids. This is that whole one-size-fits-all approach again. Teach to the lowest common denominator. Teach to the least progressed kids. Which means, first of all, that the little boy I know is in some serious trouble and needs some serious help if he's not grasping the concepts, and, second, even the kids that are grasping them are still so far behind where they could be and rightly should be that its just downright scary.

I'm disgusted with the school system. I cannot believe that the expectations have sunk so very, very low for the children of America. We already rank 18th of the 24 top civilized countries in academics. Its no wonder. We have our 7 year olds doing work that 4 and 5 year olds are doing in other countries. Why? Because those other countries expect more.

They expect more of their schools.

They expect more of their teachers.

They expect more of their students.

They expect more of their parents.

Our country's education system has become pathetic. It is ridiculed the world over. Our expectations, as a nation, have gone down the toilet. Our children are being taught that all they have to do is squeak by on the simplest of tests. They're being taught that all they have to do is memorize a small amount of information just long enough to regurgitate it onto paper and then forget it.

They're falling through the ever-widening cracks of a poorly built foundation.

And America's parents are letting it happen.

Well, folks, not me........

I have greater expectations for my children, higher hopes, bigger plans.
Ah, the joys of homeschool.

Homeschooling gives a family the ability to, first of all, focus on the things that truly matter to them; and secondly, individualize education and curriculum choices to better work with each child's own particular learning style.

Academics is one of the easiest areas in which to prove that homeschoolers outperform and outrank their public school peers. But academics is not the reason most people homeschool. Most people homeschool because of things like religious reasons and safety concerns. The academic excellence is just an added perk! So here are some of the expectations I have for my children that I know they just wouldn't be able to meet, stuck in today's public school system.

Spiritual Expectations

The first concern of any Christian homeschooler should be to "Train up a child in the way he should go…" (Proverbs 22:6). Our first priority, given to us by God, is to teach our children about God, to love God, and to have a Biblical worldview. I can guarantee you that no one sits through 16,000 seat hours of secular and liberal public schooling and comes out with their worldview unaffected.

My children are home at me, where the Bible is read on a regular basis, and God is a part of all history and science and anything else we can put Him into! Which is, of course, pretty much everything! I want my children to grow spiritually if nothing else. I want them to know the God who created them and loves them on a personal level. I want them to "not conform, but be transformed" (Romans 12:2). I want them to see the world through God's eyes, to truly do what Jesus would do.

I want them raised up in the " nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). I do not want them raised by liberalism, socialism, or political-correctness. I am far more concerned with Biblical-correctness. I want them surrounded by this Christian culture until they are old enough and mature enough to go out into the world as witnesses. I want them to be spiritually mature, to have a firm grasp on morality, on the will of God for their lives, and to be able to stand, unwavering, against the attacks of Satan and his secular world.

Personality/Emotional Expectations

I read an interview with John Taylor Gatto the other day and one thing he said really spoke to me. I'd like to share it with you again here:

"First of all, I think parents need to show their kids a vision. You have to have a plan or a purpose for being alive and getting up in the morning. It cannot be just to have a good meal, or fun, or a good experience, or get an A on the test. Your life's part of an arc, and each piece is part of a whole. They're not just disparate elements. One of the easiest ways to teach that is through the nonstop reading of biographies. Biographies let you see how decisions at each point affect not only the future, but they affect the way, looking back, you see your past. I don't think it would take too many of those, before somebody saw their own life as a coherent story that they're writing themselves. Then they can't ever say that somebody else wrote a bad story and they got a bum deal."

A vision. A plan or purpose for being alive and getting up in the morning. This is what I want my kids to have.

What vision do kids have in public school? What purpose for getting up in the morning? Because they have to or they'll get in trouble? Because someone else says so? Because they don't dare get behind the scheduled lesson?

I want my kids to greet each day with happiness and enthusiasm! I want them to love to read, to be excited to learn, to be proud of themselves for conquering some new concept or project.
I want them to know its OK to be different, but also that in some things, its OK to be the same! I want them to know their own mind, to form opinions (based on Biblical principles), to come up with ideas and to be….unique.

I want them to excel in the things that interest them and not be held back. I want them to never feel dumb or not good enough because they struggle with certain things. I want them to never have to cave to peer pressure…in fact, I want them to never even give it a second thought. I want them also to not fall prey to peer dependence. I want them to stand on their own, to stand behind their beliefs, to be comfortable in who they are.

None of which are things that are taught, encouraged, or sometimes even allowed in public schools.

Academic Expectations

I expect my children to do their best.

That should be enough, shouldn't it?

I expect them to not take the easy way, and to not even want to. I expect them to love a challenge and to glory in the feeling of conquering that challenge. I want my children to always have something just a little harder than they're used to, something to always keep them coming back.

I expect them to work hard at the subjects that challenge them, and to work just as hard (or harder!) on the subjects that they love. I expect them always to desire to go above and beyond, to read just one more chapter, do just one more page in the math book, try just one more experiment. I want them to crave both knowledge and wisdom, not to feel like it is shoved down their throats by uncaring "professionals".

I want them to learn a lot, to excel, to go above and beyond the norm, and to love doing it.
That is what I expect of my children.

And so far, they have not disappointed me.

What I Expect of Myself

I have to admit it. I have a problem. I have fallen prey in years past to something that I constantly warn other homeschool moms about.

I cared way too much what other people thought.

The year started off with high hopes and grand plans, and, more importantly, with a good attitude and happy heart. But lots of criticism and negativity came my way regarding homeschooling.

And I let it get to me. Boy, did I ever.

I have spent weeks stressing over what other people might think of our homeschooling. What do they think of our level of socialization? What do they think about our choice of curriculum? What do they think about our academic standing? How do we appear to those non-homeschoolers out there?

WHO CARES?!?!?

Apparently, I have. But no more!

I know what is best for my children, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it, even if that person is family or a close friend.

I expect myself to stand up better to criticism next time it comes my way. I expect myself to hold to a higher standard and not get involved in a war of words. I expect myself to hold to the course set before me by God as a homeschooling mother, and not to let myself be swayed by negative thoughts, words, or actions from other people.

I've found myself pushing things on my kids that I really don't find important because I think other people might. I've lost the fun, free spirit of homeschooling that I loved so much.

No more!

I expect to enjoy being with my children. I expect to be a good teacher, to know what they need to learn and how to get them to learn it. I expect of myself dedication to each child and to the cause as a whole. I expect to instill a love of learning.

I expect myself to be myself, to let my children be themselves, to let our family, our homeschool, and our housecleaning be what it is, no matter what anyone else thinks!

I expect myself to measure up to my own expectations, mine and God's, and not to worry about anyone else's!

A Final Word on Expectations

I read once, in a book or magazine, I don't remember exactly, an article about the importance of a good name.

"A good name is better than fine perfume...." Ecclesiastes 7:1

We give our children names. We spend days, weeks, months even poring over baby name books to find just the right one.

What we don't realize is that we continue to name and re-name our children over and over throughout their lives. We name them "good" or "bad", we name them "smart" or "stupid", we name them "pretty", or "cute", or "ugly".

We name our children every day with our words and actions (and kids can read far more into an action or a facial expression than you'd think). Children will live up to what you think of them, and it works both ways. If you name them with negative names, if you set your expectations low, they will learn to name themselves bad names and set their own low expectations. If you name them with positive, loving names and expect great things of them, and set about providing the proper environment for them to achieve those expectations, they will mimic those ideals and live up to them.

We as parents have the supreme responsibility ever given to anyone on earth. We are responsible for our children's hearts, minds, and bodies. We are responsible for who they turn out to be. It is our job, our crucial, time-consuming, hard, difficult, uphill battle of a job to be constantly at work both for our children and with our children to help them grow into the wonderful adults God wants them to be.

What kinds of expectations are your children living up to? What kind of names are you giving them?